The Sketchbook

Every now and again, I get the urge to draw. My sketchbook is from Trillius Prime, back in the 22nd century, after we made first contact. I managed to acquire it for when I went hiking on the Tenaran Ice Cliffs. I did some sketches of various ice formations and vistas, but I wasn't particularly impressed with my results. Sure, they were memories, and I'm glad I drew them, but they lack the expression and imagination that I endeavor for.

It seems, then, that my imagination tends to lead me towards drawing scenarios with people... usually with me involved. The first sketch involved me and Charles. As you can see, I am standing with my hand on his shoulder as he is aiming a phase pistol at an unseen person or thing. Our gazes are both alert and wary. I am wearing a regulation Earth Starfleet uniform (it's in pencil, but I believe I intended the department stripes to be red, for Operations), and Charles is wearing his usual Imperial uniform, with the sword-and-earth insignia on the arm. I have an eye for detail, and I think the picture turned out well, for an amateur artist like myself. (I'm still not great with drawing hands, though... hmmm...)

The second picture, drawn not long after the first, was of myself and Chakotay. I have to admit, I did draw him a *little* younger than how he actually is... but since these are imaginings, I think I have a little leeway. The positioning is different - instead of being defensive, both figures are more relaxed. Chakotay is watching over me, with a hand on mine, and another on my upper arm. I still look alert, and perhaps a little doubtful, but at the time that I drew it, I wasn't exactly sure how things would work between the two of us. I made sure to get the badge detail for him (there are at least two different combadge designs for the mid-24th century), as well as the pips on the collar. My uniform, instead of being Ops, has the gold Command trim - and like before, I hold no rank. The uniforms are both quite different - lots of changes in two centuries - but somehow, they seem to complement each other... I think.

That was the last bit of sketching I did before coming to Voyager - it wasn't long after I fell for Chakotay that Enterprise went on shore leave, and my time was spent exploring San Francisco, my old homestead, and Erika's ranch. Then it was bustling off to Enterprise, and Vulcan. It's only now, after settling into more a more routine lifestyle on Voyager, that I return to my imaginings.

I have yet to get around to it, but I asked Shara if she could teach me some traditional Orion dances. She was ecstatic that I asked, and made sure to create a program... as well as an outfit for me. It's been a little while since I've worn something so... revealing, but I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
As a child, I was always walking on tiptoe, even before I took any sort of dancing lesson. I started ballet when I became a teenager, and continued with it until I graduated from high school. After that, I took ballroom dance, African dance, and modern Jazz in college - those were all very fun classes, and I kept myself in great shape because of them.
I am always eager to learn new things, especially new moves... especially new moves that might draw praise from a certain Commander. I tend to be a fast learner... and when I finally get around to a performance, I'll be sure to make his eyes pop! I don't know if the outfit Shara designed for me looks like this, but I think it would be very fun to have the Starfleet insignia as part of it - I do have a strange sense of humor sometimes. I also drew bracelets and anklets of bells, just to get that extra chiming in with my imagined movements, as well as a tambourine - I guess my mind goes towards belly dancers and gypsies from Earth's history, although I'm fairly sure I don't have either type of person in my bloodline.

At any rate, I'm sure that there will be more sketches to come, as they occur to me... I'm not sure how many people will see them, and I'm not a trained artist... but they amuse me, and sometimes give me insights into my subconscious - it was through comparing the drawings of me and Charles and me and Chakotay that I realized exactly how my subconscious read those relationships. Hell, if an android can express himself through paint, I can express myself through pencil.

Duality and Reflection

If there is anyone who understands the conflict of interest being involved with people from the Mirror Universe, it is me. I have the knowledge of what happened in the past, with Kirk, with Sisko... and I have my own experiences. Falling in love with Charles, saving Briana's life... and protecting Mirror Chakotay from *my* Chakotay.

All my experiences have been worked out, concluded. After receiving Chakotay's love, and giving it in return, I had to speak with Charles about how I felt, and where he stood in terms of us. It is quite clear to me now that he never really loved me in a romantic manner... that the kiss we shared was more of an impulse on his part, because he did appreciate the attention I gave him. We... are friends. Good friends, almost like brother and sister - he always did say that I reminded him of Elizabeth, his little sis. I will always care about him, and he's threatened to go after Chakotay if he ever hurt me... I'll have to keep the recent emotional pain a secret.
With Briana, I took a hell of a risk in transporting over to their Enterprise. If I had been caught by the wrong person, I probably wouldn't be writing this now. Fortunately, I was able to give the antidote to her coma to the right man - Major Reed, her lover, whom I had been trying to comfort, and who genially denied that I ever was on the ship. After she woke up, she designed a vicious-looking knife as a thank-you gift, and it was transported to me.
And the last... with enough time, Chakotay really was able to see the effects of his stubborness and jealousy on the people who care about him. He has started to accept the place that his Mirror counterpart has in the Captain's life... and is trying not to let it get to him. That's a great relief to me... so now we can continue our relationship, more or less as it should be, without jealousy on anyone's part.

I'm reflecting on this because of the events of this week. My last entry ended abruptly because I sensed something was wrong in the brig - Seven of Nine was attempting to free Harry Kim's counterpart. I alerted Cornelia, and we both rushed down to the brig, but we were stopped by a forcefield that Seven had erected. Before we could do anything, he grabbed her and transported out of the cell. He had abducted her.
I'm still not sure why she did that in the first place - maybe she felt sympathy with his cause, or maybe she felt that it was a waste of time imprisoning him, when he wasn't volunteering any information. I can only imagine the reprimand the Captain will have for her, once she's considered to be well.

Seven was captured for several days. During that time, she contacted me telepathically... as did her counterpart, Annika Hansen. That woman... is a piece of work. The charisma is apparent, even without actually seeing her. But I knew better to even consider that the praise she spouted was genuine. She said that she wanted Seven to be safe, and to be sent back, but I have no doubt that she had plans to keep her permanently in that universe. It was the Intendant, Kira Nerys, all over again. I wonder if this is always how it will happen when women are in power in that world.
But, as I said, Seven contacted me telepathically. One of those times was when she was in great pain - she had been unwell, and the Mirror Kim took her to see the Dr. Zimmerman of that universe (Zimmerman is the designer and model for our wonderful EMH). Zimmerman probably held a vendetta against Annika, and took it out on Seven, torturing her through her Borg implants... that's about all I could really figure, before the pain hit *me*. She had reached out, after all, and the only thing I could really do was reach back, so she would have something to focus on beyond the pain... and I concentrated so hard that I got the psychic backlash again... just as I had when I had focused on Chakotay, and gotten the feeling that my ribs were broken. I held onto the connection, even after the pain had stopped, and managed to get myself to Sickbay. When I let go of the connection, per the Doctor's orders, I passed out...
When I woke up, Chakotay was holding my hand. I heard the Doctor telling him that the emotional strain was starting to become something physical... that if I continued in these veins, I would die... I told Chakotay I didn't know how I could handle all this, that I didn't know how much strength I had... but he promised me that he was here for me. I squeezed his hand, and passed out again - when I woke up again, he was gone. I recuperated in Sickbay for most of the day, and Chakotay was able to get me out of there in the evening, before I went too stir-crazy. Since then, he has been a little more protective than usual, making sure that I don't overtax myself - and I appreciate it.

Seven was kept safe by the Mirror Kim... and when I spoke with her, she seemed determined to get herself back to Voyager as soon as possible... but I sensed a duality about her, that she was not as emotionless as she usually kept herself. I'm wondering if the experience has unlocked some more of her humanity... but it will be hard to find out exactly what. When she was finally transported back to the ship (in the mess hall next to my table, no less!), she seemed very emotionless, and did not wish to talk to me about her experience, and seemed almost surprised that I had missed her.

But... I will be patient. If what I sensed was accurate, she will have questions for me. It's all a matter of how she processes the information. It may take her some time... but fortunately, time is something that we all have in abundance here.

As for Annika - once she found out that Seven had escaped, the facade of kindness and praise was quickly abandoned. She gave me a threat to give to Seven... and in true 21st century passion, I gave her two words: "Your mamma." For whatever reason, that shut her up, and I have heard nothing from her since. But I don't think that's the last any of us will hear from her.

Now... I have to stop. Circumstances in the past, involving the Mirror Universe and more duality, have ended in tragedy. I am mourning someone who died because she did the right thing, and I listened to it happen. When I see Chakotay later this evening, I will tell him why my mood is somber... and hopefully being with him will help me get past it.

The Needs of the Many...

Finish that sentence. "Outweigh the needs of the few" is what most people would say. Indeed, that's an old saying of Surak, which Spock mentions just before his sacrifice. For the most part... this has been my attitude. As Ship's counselor, I am more or less obligated to put my personal feelings aside, in order to help the other people in my ship. However... that cannot always apply. Even counselors need a break sometimes, where they can be selfish about how they feel... right?

Why am I speaking of this?

Well... the ship has had visitors. One of them is the dark doppelganger of Ensign Harry Kim. He had been in communication with people from Voyager, as well as other timelines, and generally made himself appear to be a womanizer and a pest. But then... he transported over. He was utilizing a sophisticated cloak/phase device, making himself both invisible and mostly insubstantial. Before he was captured, he managed to heist technology, schematics... and assault Shara. He put her into a coma that lasted days. I also got a first-hand taste of the effects of his phase technology - he got scared out of my office, and passed through me; it felt like someone had blasted me with arctic air, and I could sense his thoughts. He was enjoying the fact that we could not catch him, and looked on us with great contempt. Lt. Commander Archer managed to capture him, though, with Seven of Nine's technological adaptations aiding her.

Shara has awakened from her coma, but there seem to be deleterious effects - what an experienced gamer would call a DOT - Damage Over Time. The Doctor is working tirelessly to find out how to stop the damage, and Shara has not yet told her Harry about it. She's afraid that he will worry himself sick, but I've advised her that he should still be told, and that he will not be the only one worrying about her.

As for the prisoner, Seven of Nine has taken charge of him. She spends a lot of time in the brig, talking with him. She has also called me down several times, to gain more human perspectives, and to brainstorm ideas on how to get him to reveal information. I'm almost ashamed that I've come up with some unorthodox ideas - adjusting the level of gravity in the cell, for instance, to cause pressure and discomfort. Seven has already used that, and the fact that I was the one that suggested it... bothers me. It seems like the Mirror Universe has had more of an influence on me than I thought. However, Seven does not seem to be bothered that I have come up with an idea like that, and she has asked me a lot about how human relationships work, in order to gain more psychological insight.

The second visitor... affects me more directly. He is the doppelganger of Chakotay, and after monitoring our status silently, requested asylum from Captain Janeway. She was *very* hesitant, considering his origins... and very uncomfortable, since he seemed to hold a great affection for her, although they had never met. His communication, coupled with the hidden feelings that the Captain had for... my Chakotay..., as well as her recent sleeplessness and nightmares, caused her to collapse from the stress. At that time, my Chakotay was with me, and I was trying to dissuade him from interfering with the Captain's decision. However, Mirror Chakotay sensed the Captain's collapse, contacted me, and transported over himself. Alarmed, I headed to the Captain's quarters, my Chakotay at my heels. We almost had a stand-off - Mirror Chakotay had the Captain in his arms, ready to carry her to Sickbay, and Chakotay had a pistol drawn on him, yelling at him to put her down. It was up to me to take charge, telling Chakotay to stand down and escorting Mirror Chakotay to Sickbay.

What has followed from that appearance has almost frayed my wits to the breaking point. My Chakotay, to my dismay, has had physical confrontations with his doppelganger, though not escalating to a full-out brawl. In those cases, Mirror Chakotay has stayed mostly calm, but uses Chakotay's feelings for the Captain to provoke him - when I spoke with him later, he said that he thought that Chakotay had been insensitive to the Captain's feelings when he started spending more time with me. It has been so hard for me, knowing my part in this; there is nothing wrong with the love that Chakotay and I share, but the past feelings that he and the Captain have shared still seem to complicate things, and with Mirror Chakotay now in the picture...

Captain Janeway, after her recovery, has spent much time with Mirror Chakotay. A lot of that has been because he is from the Mirror Universe, and has to earn trust with her and the crew. But lately... I believe she *does* trust him... and because of who he is... well, he's like me in that. He holds no rank, isn't in Starfleet, and is both compassionate and protective of his chosen person. I believe... he makes her happy. They may even start a relationship closer than friendship. As a counselor, I want my Captain's state of mind to be strong and peaceful, and if Mirror Chakotay has that effect, I don't want to discourage it.

But, Chakotay... I've tried to work with him, and even confronted him about his jealousy issues. It is... important to me, that he knows how I feel about all of this, and his role in it. I know it's selfish... but I want him all to myself. I mean... I don't want him to sacrifice his friendship with the Captain because of me... but I don't want him to act like she's the most important person in his life... because I want that to be me. This is where I feel the needs of the many are outweighed by the needs of the one... somewhat. Maybe not as much as I think; if Chakotay had his way, the Captain would remain unhappy, Mirror Chakotay would remain resentful, and I would slowly go mad because of how troubling it would all be, and everyone who knows and cares about the four of us would be affected - basically, the whole ship.

So... Chakotay knows how I feel... and he feels so ashamed for hurting me so much. I have sensed that he is gaining more controls over his jealousy, starting to accept the way the Captain is living her personal life. We have spent more time together, have had romantic dinners, gone on walks in the Holodeck... and... last night, well... it had been a long while. It felt good not to sleep alone. He had an early shift, so he left before I woke... but he left me a beautiful orchid on my bedside table. He also left a PADD there, giving a brief explanation of the significance. He mentioned how he knew how I loved roses (he had given me one earlier) - but I was secretly pleased to be given a different flower. Actually, I was really touched, because it was a gift that had a lot of thought and personal connection behind it.

I have every confidence that things will get easier, once everyone gets used to each other. It is the same sort of situation that happened when the Maquis crew merged with the Starfleet crew on this ship, just on a more personal level. And when there are problems... I will continue to try to work them out...

Oh NO. What is she doing?! She can't...

And Now, For a Survey Break...

OOC: This quiz has been done for many of Jean's old crew on Enterprise, so she figured she might fill it out sometime, too. Enjoy!

CURRICULUM VITAE

Name as it appears on your birth certificate? *winks* That's my secret.

Current name? Jean Laurel Pierce

Nicknames? Lie Detector - that's what the Commodork calls me. But Chakotay calls me Angel, and I like that better.

Parents' names? David and Vicki

Siblings? None.

Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 24

Date that you regularly blow them out? January 19

Pets? Lucio, my bioluminescent centipede. There's also a shapeshifting pet named Akelaa that likes to hang out with me.

Height? 5'4

Eye color? Green, with brown central heterochromia.

Hair color? Brown

Piercings? Two in each ear, though I rarely wear earrings.

Tattoos? Nope.

How much do you love your job? I love it - it's fantastic being out in space. And I love helping people, even though it takes an emotional toll on me sometimes.

Birthplace? Randolph, VT

Hometown? Randolph, VT

Current residence? Next door to Chakotay, on Voyager, in the Delta Quadrant. *grins*

College attended, degree? University of Vermont, Bachelor's in English. I have a way with words.

What kind of car do you drive? When I was back on Earth, I had a Saturn.

---

PREFERENCES

Croutons or bacon bits? Bacon bits!

Coke or Pepsi? Ugh. Neither.

Sprite or 7UP? See above.

Coffee or ice cream? Mmm, ice cream, any time of day.

Coffee, tea, or decaf? Tea, any kind.

Milk chocolate or dark? Both! It's chocolate!

Buttered, plain, or salted popcorn? Buttered, especially if it's peanut butter.

Red or white wine? White

Gold or silver? Silver - goes with more stuff.

Two or four doors? Four.

Bridges or tunnels? Definitely bridges.

Beach, city, or country? Country, especially if it's forest.

Summer or winter? Winter - I love snow! Grew up with it, been apart from it sometimes.

Storms: Cool or scary? Very cool, as long as the power doesn't go out.

Roller coaster: Scary or exciting? Very exciting! I can't remember the last time I've been on a roller coaster, but I'd love to go on one again. Holodeck, anyone?

James Dean or Clark Gable? Clark Gable, because of "Gone with the Wind"

Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Audrey Hepburn - I've even been told I look like her sometimes. *grins*

Beatles or Stones? Both, please! I love classic music.

Blanket or stuffed animal? Blanket as a little 'un, stuffed animals as I got older. *grins* No shame in that, I like cuddling.

One pillow or two? One

Adidas, Nike, or Reebok? The only shoe brand I care about is Converse.

Mac, PC, or Unix? I've been a PC girl my whole life, although I can convert to Mac.

---

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE...

Salad dressing? Creamy peppercorn

Salad? Something with lots of vegetables.

Pizza topping? Pepperoni

Foods? Medium rare steak, chicken satay with peanut sauce, and pretty much any kind of cheese.

Sandwich filling? Any sort of Italian meat, with provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and green pepper.

Dessert? Peanut butter chocolate parfait, in a champagne flute with a long spoon.

Type of ice cream? Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby

Restaurant? There used to be a restaurant in my hometown called The August Lion. It closed before I graduated from high school, but it was a classy place - and they made the above-mentioned parfait. *grins*

Fast food place? KFC. Popcorn chicken, mmmm.

Drink, non-alcoholic? Tea, hot or iced.

Drink, alcoholic? Dark and Stormy (rum and ginger beer), or Romulan Ale, when I can get it.

Color of socks? Depends on what color outfit I'm wearing.

Shampoo or conditioner? *shrugs* I don't have much preference, though I suppose Herbal Essences might be nice, haven't had that in a while.

Toothpaste? Aquafresh - used to get a little tube in my stocking each Christmas.

Place to be kissed? Ooh, that's another secret. *grins*

Holiday? Halloween!

Color? blue

Car? The Tucker Torpedo - three headlights!

Day of the week? Saturday

Band/Artist? A 20th century artist named Joe Jackson. His music just speaks to my soul.

Book? Anything by Stephen King.

Magazine? Meh, who needs magazines? Books are better.

Movie? *shrugs* "Amelie", probably. Got a fond spot for it.

TV show? CSI: Las Vegas or CSI: NY. Not Miami, ugh.

TV character? The Doctor!

Disney character? Sebastian from "The Little Mermaid" or the Genie from "Aladdin".

Warner Bros. character? Road Runner! Also, I feel sorry for the kitty that keeps getting seduced by Pepe le Pew.

Sesame Street character? Oscar the Grouch... don't ask me why, I guess because he seems to have a realistic attitude sometimes.

James Bond? Pierce Brosnan, at least for his first two films.

Quote? Audentes fortuna juvat - "Fortune Favors the Bold" It's a saying I've encountered a lot, and I tend to keep it in mind.

Word or phrase? "I love you." I can never get tired of hearing that.

Flower? Rose

Sport to watch? Anything that my friends are actually participating in. Otherwise, whatever, not really my thing.

Zoo exhibit? I'd rather not go to a zoo.

Board game? Chess - I wish I had played more with Malcolm while I was on the ship.

Town to chill in? Burlington, VT.

Perfume/Cologne? Nothing too overpowering... something spicy for a guy, and something fresh and flowery for a woman.

Website? Any sort of wiki website. I get lost in them.

Least favorite thing? feeling helpless, nightmares

Least favorite subject? Anything that I didn't take while I was in college.

---

RANDOM PERSONAL QUESTIONS

Been in love before? Hell, I'm in love right now. *grins*

Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Oh yes... both happy tears, and sad.

Dumper or dumpee? Dumper... I'm a heartbreaker :(

What inspires you? Being in love, seeing new places, learning more about the universe.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Oh lord, I'm not even looking that far ahead. Just... happy. That's how I want to see myself.

What do you look for in a partner? A sense of humor, kindness, sweetness, a sense of honor and duty, intelligence, an open mind... and great eyes and smile. Especially the eyes... the right set of eyes make me melt.

What did you want to be when you grew up? A librarian, teacher, writer... something to do with knowledge.

What characteristics do you despise? Racism, the inability to listen, arrogance, cruelty...

If you had a big win in the lottery, how long would you wait to contact people? Not too long! I'd probably have some sort of party.

Where would you retire to? If I had my choice? Trillius Prime. It was beautiful, and intellectually stimulating. I'd want my mind to stay active.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime? No

Do you get along with your parents? I do... although I haven't seen them in a long while. I miss them.

Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Nope... but there's always a first time. *winks wickedly*

Do you make fun of people? I tease... but I try not to be cruel.

Last person you went to dinner with? Chakotay... it was candlelit and romantic. *giddy smile*

What did you do for your last birthday? I honestly don't remember... I wasn't trashed... it just doesn't stand out in my mind.

Do you carry a donor card? No... but I suppose I should.

---

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Had the drink Calypso Breeze? Um... no.

Been to Europe? yes

Been to Africa? No, but I hopefully will.

Been toilet-papering? Nope, I'm a good girl.

Been toilet-papered? See above.

Been in a car crash? Yes, twice. Totaled a Jeep the first time, second time knocked the bumpers off my Saturn. Nobody was hurt either time.

Lucky Number? Eight and Nineteen

Any superstitions? I keep the medal that I got from Charles on me at all times... it's a solid reminder of how brave I can be.

When was your last hospital visit? The past few days, I've been visiting Sickbay to look after Shara (she was in a coma), but she's awake now. I haven't really been sick lately.

First thing you think of when you wake up? Whoa... I'm here.

What color is your bedroom's carpet? Starfleet industrial gray

What color is your bathroom? White.

What's on your mouse pad? I left my mousepad back in 2009.

What's under your bed? My backpack from when I transferred to Voyager, and probably one of Akelaa's chew toys.

How many times did you fail your permit and/or driver's license test? No failure here. *grins*

If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? I'm not sure... maybe da Vinci? It seems he would be a nice lunch companion, and would have a lot to talk about. Maybe, next time I'm on the holodeck...

What was the last film you saw at the movies? Movie Night on Enterprise... last time, it was "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade".

What was the last film you saw at home? I really don't recall... it's been too long.

What was the last book you read? The book of Shakespearean sonnets that Chakotay gave me as a gift. *grins*

What was the last CD you listened to? CD? That's obsolete. I just request tracks from the computer.

What do you have for breakfast? Tea, always... I'm less picky about food.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no

Can you roll your tongue? yes

How many keys on your key ring? I left my keys behind in 2009.

Where would you like to visit most? Anywhere new and hospitable.

Hobbies? Dancing, writing, sketching, singing or playing music.

Which single store would you choose to max your credit card? A bookstore - I feel like I need a library again.

What do you do most often when you are bored? Wander the ship, usually... I also try to find new ideas for Holodeck programs.

What words or phrases do you overuse? "I know." Hard not to use it, when you're listening to everything.

What words or phrases do your friends overuse? "This is going to be difficult." Yeah, I know. (See what I mean?)

Friend who lives farthest away? All of my old friends, from the past - far away in time and space and universe.

Greatest pet peeve? Acting without thinking about it.

Best thing in the world? Being in love, being able to explore the universe with the one I love.

When do you get up? Somewhere around 0900 hours, usually.

Bedtime? Sometime around midnight.

Last new thing you bought for yourself? I don't really buy stuff for myself, since I don't really have money. My personal items seem to come to me from friends or by accident.

Somewhat Voiceless, Mostly Harmless

There is a strange phenomenon going on, affecting people all through the multiverse. The slang for it is called Twitterjail, and I am within it right now. It is... depressing. I cannot speak to my crew at all, yet I can still hear them. I cannot interact... it is somewhat dim, and quiet otherwise.

However, there is enough light coming from my PADD so I can write.

The transfer to Voyager was a complete success. With my focus on Chakotay, it was hardly an issue to "will" myself there. The only real issue came when I arrived. I was on my feet... but something in my backpack shifted, and I almost fell over! Luckily, I appeared in Chakotay's quarters, so he was right there in front of me, and was able to stop my fall. I quickly discarded my backpack... no need to seem like a complete fool in the eyes of my love.

It turns out that my quarters... are right next door to his. There is merely a wall between us, instead of two hundred twenty years and seventy thousand light-years. It's... hilarious, really! Shara had stayed in those quarters, briefly, but was moved after the pheromones affected Chakotay too strongly. And now... they're mine. We brought my stuff over, got Lucio settled in his new tank (yes, my pet centipede made the crossing without too much trauma).

The world suddenly got bright again... I'm free from Twitterjail. Thank god.

I've already gotten a tour of Voyager, although some things have seemed rather familiar to me, due to my... knowledge. I even stopped by Sickbay, because I had an idea... follicle stimulation. I guess you could say I'm a little vain... but I felt that I needed a change, without going through the whole in-between phase between short hair and long hair. So... the Doc did the job... and it looks wonderful. I've heard wonderful things, from the crew and people on the outside... and of course, Chakotay loved it.

I gave my gifts to the Captain, and she was very pleased. However... things between us aren't easy. This is due to my relationship with Chakotay, being as close as it is. Kathryn and Chakotay... over time, they've grown to be best friends, and they came very close to having a romantic relationship of their own. But now, with my presence... Chakotay has gone as far as cancelling a dinner date with Kathryn, to be with me. It... hurt her. Even though I wasn't actively listening to their conversation, I sensed it. And then she kept having nightmares... I can't be sure exactly what was in them, but I can guess it had something to do with me, because she is reluctant to speak with me about them.
Chakotay says she's happy for us, and I suppose that's partly true... but she keeps having nightmares, and I keep worrying about her state of mind. I don't want my presence to be disruptive to her, and I want to help her... but I love Chakotay, and he loves me back. When I am with him... I feel safe, and like I never want to leave his side. He left me some gifts today - a fresh rose, and a book of Shakespeare's sonnets, in my office. That is also in addition of the model of UVM's green that he created... it sits on my desk, and I've enjoyed looking at the detail. We only visited it in dreams... but it's still beautiful.

This... is what I signed up for. A romance... a struggle with feelings... and a crew of wonderful people stuck so far from home. I know I am capable of going beyond what I feel, to put everyone else first... but it's still so hard, when I'm trying to figure out exactly what can and cannot be said. But I will prevail.

The Present is the Crossroads of the Future and the Past

Tonight is my last evening on the starship Enterprise, NX-01. As I write this, on a PADD that came from a darker parallel universe, it is June 5, 2156.

Tomorrow, I will be focusing myself on intense meditation, preparing myself to transfer my body, my bioluminescent centipede, and my belongings across time and space. My destination is the Federation starship Voyager, Intrepid Class, NC-74656 - it is a ship stranded in the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way galaxy, in the year 2375. My unusual psychic abilities allow me to do this... it was how I was able to transport myself to the Enterprise, many months ago, from my original time and place.

I have served on Enterprise as its ship's counselor. I have talked with and counseled many members of the crew, trying to help them through their various issues to the best of my abilities. They have become like members of my family, and I will miss them very much. Saying goodbye to them has been so hard, and I know there will be times in the near future when I will be crying, missing the tight-knit community, the practical jokes, the concerts.

Yet there is need of my services on Voyager. I have aided them with my psychic abilities before, even as I have served on Enterprise. There have been several time travelers who have arrived there, much less experienced than I, and they need my help in integrating into their new environment. With Voyager being in the Delta Quadrant, so far from home (basically, diagonally opposite from the Alpha Quadrant), the stress and worry about returning is always an emotional undertow.

And... there is Chakotay. The former Maquis leader, the former captain of the Val Jean, and the first officer of Voyager. Within days of making my acquaintance, he was smitten with me! I wasn't even in the same time or place, and yet he flirted with me... and I found myself falling for him as well. There is... something alike about us, at a deeper level than what I've usually encountered with people. I know his history, and his ties to his own past, yet also belonging to the future - it is very much the same for me. He is an expert with lucid and shared dreaming, and with my psychic abilities being as powerful as they are, we were able to meet in our dreams... and our romance continued from there. It seems so insane, sometimes - how could I fall in love with a man I never met, and how could he fall in love with me? But... I don't particularly want to question it. When I go to Voyager... I will finally be united with him, and we will continue our relationship in reality.

He is going to be a form of stability for me, that which I didn't have on Enterprise - there were times when my knowledge and my awareness of other timelines was overwhelming me. But, with him... I will finally have someone to turn to, who will help me feel safe and strong, and not so very alone.

There is little I can do now, except meditate and wait. Tomorrow, I will get a fresh cutting of the lilacs I brought to Enterprise, from my ancestral home, so Voyager can raise them as well - a special gift from the past, and from Earth. Then, I will transfer Lucio to a smaller container, shoulder my backpack... and concentrate on being with Chakotay, on being on Voyager... and I will go.

There is a saying of Surak, the spiritual influence for Vulcan's philosophies: Nam-tor wak vah yut s'vesht na'fa'wak heh pla'rak. Translated, it means this: "Time is a path from the past to the future and back again." It is a saying like this that gives me hope - even as I leave Enterprise tomorrow, there is always the chance that I will return. And I know I will be welcomed back.